Late night

It’s 4:15 a.m.

I can’t sleep.

You know that feeling when you just have SO much on your plate you get completely overwhelmed and your heart starts to race and you get tears in your eyes, you are so tired you can’t keep your eyes open but for some reason you still can’t fall asleep. That’s where I am right now.

Thinking ahead to the end of the school year and the start of summer and the amount of things that I have to get done makes me want to burst into tears and makes me question if I will ever be ready for “adulthood.” When will I finally get my shit together?¿

It’s so hard to look at the positives but I need to start if I want to keep my sanity.

It’s just a bad day, not a bad life. Gotta keep reminding myself that.

I guess i just got a bad case of the Mondays.

I think I’ll try to sleep again, considering I have class in 3 hours.

I’ll be needing a nap tomorrow.

better late than never

So my spring break was extremely boring… but something good came out of it!

My sister came in town and we actually got along..

I wish I was one of those people who are extremely close to their siblings but sadly that’s not the case. When she went off to college everything just kind of changed and when she came home on breaks I could tell she didnt really want to be there. So, when my mom said she would be coming home for a couple of days during my spring break I wasn’t too thrilled.

But to my surprise we had a great time together! We sat on the couch and talked about our lives and laughed about various things my mom did. It was good, I felt so close to her. I hope we can keep this up and see each other more. She doesn’t live to far from where I go to school.

it’s never too late to try and reconnect with the people you love. I in a happy place 🙂

Cheers,

Em

case. I have an older sister, Meg 23, and a younger brother, Sam 19. We used to be very close when we were younger but as we grew up we realized that we all had very different personalities. Meg is very quite and a huge book worm, I am just the opposite and Sam is somewhere in the middle.

I wish my sister and I where closer. I wish we would text all the time and have movie nights together.. but we done

I’m annoyed, sad and mad

I’m annoyed I haven’t started my homework yet

I’m annoyed that I have to manually press the caps lock when I click the “i” key

I’m annoyed that I’m 20 years old and a sophomore in college and I don’t have a job

Im annoyed that college is so expensive

Im annoyed that my dad killed himself when I was 12 years old

Im annoyed that he wasn’t able to see me grow up

Im annoyed that he wasn’t able to play catch with my brother in the front yard

Im annoyed that I wasn’t enough for him to kick his disease

Im annoyed that he wasn’t there to see my sister make the cheer squad, again

Im annoyed that he left my family

Im annoyed that God didn’t try to stop him

Im annoyed that I couldn’t stop him

Im mad I wasn’t enough

Im mad that my grandparents didn’t try to help him

Im mad that I wasn’t able to say goodbye

Im mad I don’t remember the last memory we had together

Im mad that I was so young and helpless to do anything

Im mad that he now makes my mom worry sick about my siblings and I killing ourselves

Im mad that my sister gets so drunk that she says she might

Im mad.

Who leaves their family.

Im scared

Im scared that my children are going to have his blood running threw their body

Im scared my children will kill themselves

Im scared I will forget what his voice sounds like

Im scared I will forget what his laugh sounds like

Im scared my brother or sister will kill themselves

Im scared.

Im sad.

and Im mad.

I wish I could have done something

I wish I was worth it for him to stick around on this earth

I wish this feeling wasn’t so hard to explain

I wish he was here with me

I wish he could have been there to watch me during my swim meets

I wish I could wake up to the sound of his voice just one more time

I wish we could do the dishes together just one more time

I wish we could go to dinner just one more time

I wish I could hear his laugh just one more time

I wish I could ride in his car just one more time

I wish I could tell him that I loved him just one more time

I wish he could tell me that he loved me just one more time

I wish it didn’t hurt so bad

I wish life wasn’t so hard

I wish we could figure out this crazy world together.

I hope he’s in heaven

I hope that he hasn’t forgotten about me

I hope that he’s here with me right now

I hope that he’s looking out for me

I hope that he is in a better place and that his pain is gone

I hope he knows how much I needed him.

I hope that he knows how much I loved him.

I am.. uh… lazy…

Whoa! I have been MIA for the last couple of weeks! oops…. I haven’t posted since my finals and that was well.. a while ago. I have just been lazy! but tonight I’m starting all back up again and will be consistent because I have to write about my feelings or I’ll keep them all bottled up inside and go CRAY CRAY!

Last week was syllabus week ie. drink every. single. night. Sunday – Saturday, I did take Tuesday off! (yer welcome mom). Today started my first official day of my fourth semester of college…. I feel  SO OLD

*side note* bottoms up by Keke Palmer just started playing on my Spotify and hot damn she makes you want to get up and dance! *currently shaking hips*

okay I’m back, last semester was great but my grades were far from that so I really have to buckle down this semester. I was really upset with my grades, actually I was so upset I hardly left my bed over break. Do you ever get so hard on yourself you feel like you are completely worthless? that was me the entire month of December. And then I said to myself, Emily, you can either say f*ck this and transfer back home and throw yourself a pity party for the rest of your life or you can take this as learning opportunity and realize what your strengths are (obvi not spanish or math) and grow from this. So I’m making this a learning opportunity. I am not a stupid person I just don’t make the best decisions. I am ready to show the world what I’ve got!

I am excited for this semester I am taking classes that I enjoy and I finally moved into my sorority so I am with all of friends. Which at first I was worried I wouldn’t get all of my school work done but being in the house for week I am confident I will do a bomb ass job academically.

This semester I will be posting about a lot of different things, my sorority, my school (The University of Kansas), family, I might even post some things about my dad, crazy shit show party nights, lazy days, and everything in between.

Stay tuned, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Cheers, Emily

Here’s a few pics from my wild week!

Give rather than receive

“Better to be the one who smiled than the one who didn’t smile back”

Yesterday a group of friends and I went out to eat at a fancy restaurant about 45 minutes from campus to have a Christmas gift exchange. At first I wasn’t too thrilled about going because I have my hardest final on Monday. I really needed to study but, I was so happy that I was asked to be apart of this dinner. Although I joined my sorority a couple months ago I have made so many great memories and really feel as though I have found my true best friends.

Lately I have been feeling so happy and grateful for everything that I have in my life. My life isn’t perfect and there are many things that could go better but I have amazing friends and family that support me. I don’t think I tell the people in my life how much I appreciate them and everything they do for me.

So, that is gong to be my early New Years resolution. Say thank you.

To not only the people close to me but everyone. I am also making the resolution to smile more. Smile to people that I pass on the sidewalk and make eye contact. I don’t think people smile enough and I am on a mission to change that. There is so much to smile about and be thankful for.

So I challenge everyone who reads this to send a quick text to their mom,dad,brother,sister,grandma,grandpa,friend and just thank them for being there for you. It will make their day. And it will make you smile just as much as they do. Killing two birds with one stone here people.

Cheers, 

Em 

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PS. It’s the holidays, go out to dinner with friends and treat yourself. Order a glass of wine instead of water. Because you deserve it.

Procrastination Station

taking break from studying, again… whops sorry mom.

But earlier this week I tried to come up with a playlist that would help me study for finals. You know something upbeat yet mellow but not too upbeat that I want to have a dance party and not so mellow that I end of hating my life.

And I came up with the perfect playlist. Here are the top five song that I am obsessed with at the moment.

Thinking out loud – Ed Sheeran

Ex to see – Sam Hunt

Break up with him – Old Dominion

Life of the party – Shawn Mendes

Jackie and Wilson- Hozier

These songs make you feel some type of way people! look them up and you will have a smile on your face while you study for finals!!!!!! 😀 well maybe not a smile, but a good song can always turn a bad day around!

Cheers,

Em

grown up but not

“What you tell yourself everyday will either lift you up or tear you down”

I’ve been a little MIA for a week or so due to the dreaded finals week coming up. I will officially be done with my third semester of college! Seriously, where has time gone? I am almost HALFWAY done with my college career. and that thought literally makes me sick to my stomach.

And then I asked myself, when do you officially become an adult? I mean I am 20 years old, I can legally be sentenced to jail as an adult. I’m in college. I live in an apartment. but my mom pays for my rent… I mean hell I called my mom the other day to ask if I could put a skillet in the oven because we ran out of pans…

A couple hours after I was freaking out about “adulthood” and trying to figure all my shit out I went to my last class of the semester. My teacher in this class was not necessarily my favorite but I admired how young and successful he was. And he loved himself for those exact reasons as well, and it was painfully obvious. Like, we get it dude you’re a lawyer and only a couple of years ago you were playing beer pong on a Tuesday night just like we are. My teacher would literally talk the whole hour and fifteen minutes about himself and some of the cases he had to deal with. Snooooooze feeeeest.

I debated going to this class all day. On one hand I was already on campus from my last class so why the hell would I not go? On the other hand, if I’m going to sleep for and hour and fifteen minutes I would rather do it in the comfort of my own bed. After taking the above into consideration I made the executive decision to attend class. And man, am I glad I did.

As class begun I was not surprised when he started talking about some case he had worked on in the pass year and I was silently cursing myself for coming to class. ugh my bed and netflix sounded so appealing. As he was wrapping up his oh so boring story he told us that he was now going to tell us some “words of encouragement” before he “sends us out into the jungle”.

As he started talking I became more and more engaged. He began telling us that the world of  Journalism (my major, well strategic communications) is not a dying world. He said there will be plenty of jobs available for my generation when we graduate, we just need to go out there and fight for it. So don’t get discouraged when you tell someone what your major is and they scoff at you and tell us “good luck with that”.

He continued to talk about how proud we should be of ourselves and look back at how far we have come. Everyone wants to see us succeed and there are so many people who are willing to help us in every way possible.

At this point I’m like shit this is the first time I don’t want Mr. J to stop talking. You go dude!

Towards the end of his little speech he gave me the answer to what I had been searching for for a while now. He told us we aren’t going to have all our shit figured out when were 20 or 21. And that’s okay. These are the years to find out who we really are and to do what we want to do but do it to benefit yourself and only do things if YOU want to. Again, he reassured us that we need to be proud of ourself. And with that he concluded his speech telling us if we ever need anything at all never hesitate to contact him.

The classroom broke out in a round of applause. Which I thought was a little tacky, like come on you suck ups. But I did have to give it to him, that little inspirational pep talk right before finals weekend really did help. and I walked out of that class gaining a whole lot more than I thought I would.

Moral of the story, don’t skip class. And there is nothing wrong with not having your entire life planned out by the age of 20. And damnit be proud of yourself. Because at the end of the day you create your own happiness.

Cheers, 

Em

ugh, winter

It’s cold. I hate the cold. Which is sad because I used to love winter! – wearing sweat pants, curling up on the couch with a big blanket and watching tv, wearing sweatshirts, unlimited amounts of hot chocolate. I mostly loved winter because my mom loves winter.

And then I went to college. That’s where my hatred  for winter started.

In high school winter was easy to deal with! you wake up, open your blinds and screech an unpleasant sound of happiness at the first snowfall of the year. I would run into my moms room and we would happily gaze out the front window and admire the fresh blanket of snow that greeted our neighborhood that night.

My mom would go out and start my car so it was warm and defrosted by the time I had to leave. I wore my brand new UGG boots and stuffed my Sperries in my bookbag to change into when I got to school (we had a super strict dress code, ill get into that another time) I threw on my hot pink North Face, scream at brother to hurry up, grab my hot chocolate and we were out the door.

When I arrived at my high school parking lot all the lines were berried under the snow, so all us silly high schoolers parked however we wanted. The parking lot was a mess. but LOL we are all 16 years old and thought it was just the FUNNIEST thing ever!!!

Throughout the day we would all gaze out the window as the snow kept falling, – like we have never seen snow before, we live in kansas, it always snows!!

At the end of the day we were greeted with another sheet of snow covering our cars. I made my brother go out 5 minutes before me to start the car and scrape the snow off – because that is what little brothers are for, duh.

I would get home and cuddle with my mom for the rest of the evening while we ate ridiculous amounts of potato soup and made my brother fetch us unlimited cups of hot chocolate.

HIGH SCHOOL WAS AWESOME WHY DID I EVER LEAVE FOR COLLEGE?!?!

When I got to college I was super pumped for winter and to do all of the above with the only person better than my mother MY BFF! seriously how fun! Watching the snow fall from the comfort of my dorm room, snuggle and drink rumchatta (college version of hot chocolate, DUH).

When the first snow fall of the year came I was completely unprepared.

IT SUCKED.

yeah snow is pretty until you have to freaking walk a mile in it to get to your damn class!

sure, uggs keep your little toes warm but they have no support or gripping, shit you looked like a baby giraffe crossing the sidewalk. The parking lot…. dont even get me started. That was the first time I missed my pest of a baby brother ( he’s one year younger- still considered a child in my eyes-) Who is going to scrape the ice off my car and heat it up for me?!?! oh yeah ME because I’m on my own now.

Oh goodies they plowed the parking lot! wow that’s going to make my life so much better!! NOT. they literally would pile all the snow behind the cars. like there was a foot of snow behind my car. w.t.f.( should I had one more “like” in this paragraph). Like how am I suppose to move my car?!

Another thing that sucks about the winter is that no one likes to go party when its 21 degrees out? yeah let me just wait in line outside the bar to buy an overpriced drink and watch awkward guys try to hit on my friends, hard pass. I would rather drink wine and play Cards Against Humanity in the comfort of my dorm room.

I don’t care what anyone says, winter clothes are NOT cuter than summer clothes. What if you get hot inside?! do you tie your jacket around your waist?!

So there is my little rant about winter. It is currently 48 degrees in Kansas and I am wearing leggings with a long sleeve shirt, jacket, plus a cozy scarf and praying to the lord above to go easy on us this winter.

enjoy this picture of me eating shit as I sled down a hill.

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– Emily 

school

I have arrived

I figured since I am obsessed with every other form of social media what’s one more? So, I have made the executive decision to create a blog (because I’m in college, I make my own choices!! Right?!) Instead of only liking pictures of a bunny with stuff on his head, I’ll be writing anything and everything that runs across this crazy head of mine. I invite you to join (or not. regardless, I’m going to write either way) me in my adventurous and sometimes lame college life. Completely unfiltered.

Bare with me here, I’m new at this.

-Emily