better late than never

So my spring break was extremely boring… but something good came out of it!

My sister came in town and we actually got along..

I wish I was one of those people who are extremely close to their siblings but sadly that’s not the case. When she went off to college everything just kind of changed and when she came home on breaks I could tell she didnt really want to be there. So, when my mom said she would be coming home for a couple of days during my spring break I wasn’t too thrilled.

But to my surprise we had a great time together! We sat on the couch and talked about our lives and laughed about various things my mom did. It was good, I felt so close to her. I hope we can keep this up and see each other more. She doesn’t live to far from where I go to school.

it’s never too late to try and reconnect with the people you love. I in a happy place 🙂

Cheers,

Em

case. I have an older sister, Meg 23, and a younger brother, Sam 19. We used to be very close when we were younger but as we grew up we realized that we all had very different personalities. Meg is very quite and a huge book worm, I am just the opposite and Sam is somewhere in the middle.

I wish my sister and I where closer. I wish we would text all the time and have movie nights together.. but we done

I’m annoyed, sad and mad

I’m annoyed I haven’t started my homework yet

I’m annoyed that I have to manually press the caps lock when I click the “i” key

I’m annoyed that I’m 20 years old and a sophomore in college and I don’t have a job

Im annoyed that college is so expensive

Im annoyed that my dad killed himself when I was 12 years old

Im annoyed that he wasn’t able to see me grow up

Im annoyed that he wasn’t able to play catch with my brother in the front yard

Im annoyed that I wasn’t enough for him to kick his disease

Im annoyed that he wasn’t there to see my sister make the cheer squad, again

Im annoyed that he left my family

Im annoyed that God didn’t try to stop him

Im annoyed that I couldn’t stop him

Im mad I wasn’t enough

Im mad that my grandparents didn’t try to help him

Im mad that I wasn’t able to say goodbye

Im mad I don’t remember the last memory we had together

Im mad that I was so young and helpless to do anything

Im mad that he now makes my mom worry sick about my siblings and I killing ourselves

Im mad that my sister gets so drunk that she says she might

Im mad.

Who leaves their family.

Im scared

Im scared that my children are going to have his blood running threw their body

Im scared my children will kill themselves

Im scared I will forget what his voice sounds like

Im scared I will forget what his laugh sounds like

Im scared my brother or sister will kill themselves

Im scared.

Im sad.

and Im mad.

I wish I could have done something

I wish I was worth it for him to stick around on this earth

I wish this feeling wasn’t so hard to explain

I wish he was here with me

I wish he could have been there to watch me during my swim meets

I wish I could wake up to the sound of his voice just one more time

I wish we could do the dishes together just one more time

I wish we could go to dinner just one more time

I wish I could hear his laugh just one more time

I wish I could ride in his car just one more time

I wish I could tell him that I loved him just one more time

I wish he could tell me that he loved me just one more time

I wish it didn’t hurt so bad

I wish life wasn’t so hard

I wish we could figure out this crazy world together.

I hope he’s in heaven

I hope that he hasn’t forgotten about me

I hope that he’s here with me right now

I hope that he’s looking out for me

I hope that he is in a better place and that his pain is gone

I hope he knows how much I needed him.

I hope that he knows how much I loved him.

I am.. uh… lazy…

Whoa! I have been MIA for the last couple of weeks! oops…. I haven’t posted since my finals and that was well.. a while ago. I have just been lazy! but tonight I’m starting all back up again and will be consistent because I have to write about my feelings or I’ll keep them all bottled up inside and go CRAY CRAY!

Last week was syllabus week ie. drink every. single. night. Sunday – Saturday, I did take Tuesday off! (yer welcome mom). Today started my first official day of my fourth semester of college…. I feel  SO OLD

*side note* bottoms up by Keke Palmer just started playing on my Spotify and hot damn she makes you want to get up and dance! *currently shaking hips*

okay I’m back, last semester was great but my grades were far from that so I really have to buckle down this semester. I was really upset with my grades, actually I was so upset I hardly left my bed over break. Do you ever get so hard on yourself you feel like you are completely worthless? that was me the entire month of December. And then I said to myself, Emily, you can either say f*ck this and transfer back home and throw yourself a pity party for the rest of your life or you can take this as learning opportunity and realize what your strengths are (obvi not spanish or math) and grow from this. So I’m making this a learning opportunity. I am not a stupid person I just don’t make the best decisions. I am ready to show the world what I’ve got!

I am excited for this semester I am taking classes that I enjoy and I finally moved into my sorority so I am with all of friends. Which at first I was worried I wouldn’t get all of my school work done but being in the house for week I am confident I will do a bomb ass job academically.

This semester I will be posting about a lot of different things, my sorority, my school (The University of Kansas), family, I might even post some things about my dad, crazy shit show party nights, lazy days, and everything in between.

Stay tuned, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Cheers, Emily

Here’s a few pics from my wild week!